


Faction War Reimagined

by gaymer, valathe



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Crack, F/F, bro what if, but who's laughing obnoxiously is it alleri- of course it's alleria, edibles, i accidentally deleted these tags three times, jaina still needs a nap 2k19, y'all better appreciate all this effort i go through, yeah dude holy shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 11:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20007325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaymer/pseuds/gaymer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/valathe/pseuds/valathe
Summary: a slightly different take on the current state of the faction war. or something like that. totally not crack i swear (send help pls)





	Faction War Reimagined

**Author's Note:**

> songs of the day: [insane in the brain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RijB8wnJCN0) by cypress hill and [flashed junk mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8BsuT0PWdI) by milky chance

Lightning flickered in the distance, briefly glinting off the shields and blades of the soldiers locked in a desperate battle. With the heavy rain turning the field into a muddy marshland every weave and dodge became all the riskier, for slipping in this terrain would mean certain death. Jaina surveyed the battlefield, her attention briefly caught by a Human paladin’s valiant struggle against a hulking Tauren warrior, bravely holding his own against the brutal swings of the warrior’s mace. He persisted for a few moments, but eventually the raw power behind his enemy’s strikes sent him stumbling to the ground. Before he had any chance to recover, the Tauren raised his hoof and Jaina quickly averted her eyes, knowing she had no way to prevent what was about to transpire. The Tauren’s roar was drowned out by thunder reverberating across the sky, and with it Jaina felt the familiar prickle of the arcane. She swept her gaze over the fighting masses once more before she zeroed in on the source. She saw an undead elven mage leading a circle of Forsaken arcanists in some kind of ritual. She wasn’t certain what kind of spell they were trying to cast, but knew she couldn’t let them finish. Drawing a tiny amount of power from her titan-infused staff, she sent a volley of icy projectiles towards the prime mage. He noticed the attack aimed at him too late, managing to deflect some of the ice lances, but enough of them found their mark to force him to his knees, where Jaina’s final missile pierced his skull. She watched with grim satisfaction as the loss of their arcane focus caused the tremendous amounts of mana poured into the ritual to rebound back onto its casters, detonating with a staggering amount of force.

Even dozens of meters away the shockwave threw soldiers to the ground, and in the confusion the formations in the Horde center started to fracture and fall apart. The Alliance forces quickly realized this unexpected opening and surged forward with renewed vigor, eager to press their advantage.

She couldn’t enjoy her small victory for more than a few moments, though, as an arrow suddenly struck her just beneath the ribcage. She clutched onto it with eyes wide in disbelief as her legs gave out and she fell to her knees. Shouts of alarm suddenly being silenced caused her to look up, where Jaina saw Sylvanas Windrunner materializing from her banshee form. The elf crouched down and, with a self-satisfied smirk on her lips, tilted up Jaina’s chin with one of her elegant, dexterous fingers.

The mage could feel a rapidly expanding patch of blood soaking through her robes, still not quite convinced this was actually happening.

“You thought you’d achieved something there, hmm?” the banshee drawled. “Well, you know how we say in Undercity…”

She brushed her cheek against Jaina’s, and whispered in her ear.

**“no u”**

And everything went black.

When she came to again, she could her voices arguing in the background, making her headache so much worse. That’s when she noticed the patch of warm liquid on her belly and started flailing her arms.

“Oh my god I’m dying, someone help!” she croaked, her mouth feeling dry like a desert. The weight pressing down on her stomach increased and she descended further into panic. No doubt one of her lungs had been punctured, evident by the stabbing pain below her breast.

The voices fell silent for a moment. One of them started to say something before being rudely interrupted by the other one breaking down into wheezing, almost obnoxiously shrill laughter.

There was a startled inhalation of breath before the weight on her wound shifted and the pain on her breast vanished, only to be replaced by the sound of someone smacking their mouth and yawning.

Finally, Jaina remembered how to open her eyes and focused on the first thing that came into view, namely the very pointy ear that had been digging into her chest. She followed those ears until she reached the head they were attached to. Whatever she’d been expecting, it was no High Elf with bloodshot eyes and some weird, transparent liquid smeared onto her cheek. Sylvanas looked as confused as Jaina felt, before the pieces finally started to fall into place.

The human quickly looked down her body, only to find her grievous wound replaced by even more grievously disgusting drool all over her belly.

A vicious coughing fit interrupted her inspection of her body and she searched for its source, only to find Alleria doubled over on her knees, trying in vain to contain her laughter between big hacking coughs.

“Look who’s finally back amongst the living.” the second voice drawled, and Jaina glanced over to see Vereesa smirking down at them.

Jaina tried to sit up on the couch she was currently lying on, but quickly bumped into a semi-upright Sylvanas who seemed to have no intention of moving anytime soon.

“What the fuck did you put in those brownies?” Jaina slurred while rubbing her head, noticing how Sylvanas’ ears seemed to have lost all coordination. “Is she gonna be alright?”

“You _know_ how sensitive High Elves are to alcohol, and weed is no different.” Vereesa replied, followed by a giggling Sylvanas mumbling ‘I’m a _high_ elf.’

Her younger sister chuckled, sitting down on the overstuffed armchair next to the couch. Alleria was slowly managing to calm down, but no one paid her any attention anyway.

“Seriously though, how much did you put into those fucking brownies?”

“Plenty enough, it seems. I’ll be warning you next time, though.” was Vereesa’s reply, before she regarded her sister who was busy snuggling into Jaina’s bosom.

“On the other hand, though, maybe not. You two were _very_ entertaining.”

Jaina groaned and flopped back down onto the couch, wheezing when Sylvanas’ head promptly crashed into her.

She waved her hand in the air in a ‘hit me’ motion, and Vereesa happily obliged.

“You two made up some real crazy stuff, you know. Mages and warlocks and hunters who can command animals, and this huge war where somehow you were on opposite sides…it’s gonna be real entertaining when I edit out all the parts where you just tried to shove your tongue down each other’s throats.”

Jaina’s head whipped around and fixed Vereesa with a suspicious glare. “What do you mean, ‘edit out’?”

In reply Vereesa merely pulled out her phone and pressed play on the video she’d recorded, clearly depicting the two of them being absolutely heartbroken over having to kill each other in their fantasy world.

With a growl Jaina leapt off the couch to chase after a cackling Vereesa, sending Sylvanas toppling to the faux-fur carpet.

Alleria shook her head and sat down on the couch, watching the two idiots chase each other while the third idiot lay on the ground and mumbled incomprehensible stuff about humans smelling like wet dog while stroking the carpet. With a huff she grabbed herself a snack from the coffee table, taking a hearty bite while Sylvanas started wailing ‘Alleria no, the Void will consume you!’

Both Jaina and Vereesa stopped in their tracks, staring at Alleria swallowing the brownie before looking at each other, back at Alleria, and both pointing their phones at her.

**Author's Note:**

> we shouldn't be allowed on the internet unsupervised. this is a cry for help.


End file.
